Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Leave the Seat Up, I'm On a Diet...

My wild, beautiful, intelligent hairdresser, whom I'll call, Amiya, meaning "boundless" in Sanskrit, suggested the subject of this blog. She is a world traveler, funny, a laugh like a temple bell. She thinks I'm hysterical. What more is there to like about her?

She's fast approaching a landmark birthday and, like all of us gals, wants to be the same size we were back "when." We got on this subject in such a roundabout way. We were grousing about men and their habits of leaving stuff places and leaving the toilet seat up and such. She said "Don't you hate it when you get up in the middle of the night to go pee, and you don't put on the light because you don't want to wake up all the way. You get in there and go to sit and your ass hits the water because YOUR HUSBAND LEFT THE GODDAMNED SEAT UP?!!! Of course, we'd been laughing the whole time she'd been cutting my hair, so we were in prime form for continuing in this vein. So I said, "Amiya, you know what would be terrible? Is if your ass was so big it didn't fit into the toilet when the seat was up. That would be so much worse than taking a frigid fanny founder at midnight."

Well, we struck on an idea at that point. We've come up with a new diet plan. No more weighing on a hateful scale. No more more taking stock with cold plastic measuring tapes that we can't read with our aging corneas anyway!!
Here it is: When you can sit on the toilet with the seat up and sink to your waist in the freezing water, you will have achieved Nirvana. Let your ass be your guide.
Is that not the simplest, most direct method you've ever heard of for weight loss? No tricks. Nothing to buy. No membership dues. No special food. Everyone has a toilet and there are toilets everywhere, all over the world. Well almost everywhere, except for Switzerland where they straddle a hole and try not to pee down their leg or poop on their shoes. No wonder they're neutral; they don't care if they go nasty cahcah on themselves for Christ's sake.

Anyhow, no more excuses for anyone! You just - - and this is key - - work your ever-lovin' ass off.

St. Augustine said, "Pray as though everything depended on God. Work as though everything depended on you." This applies to every thing in life that is worth having. For some that is a smaller heiny, for others a bestseller on the New York Times Top Ten List. I want both and I'd settle for something in a six in either case.

1 comment:

  1. How did the haircut turn out? Sounds like dangerous scissors day...!